Farewell, 2013, I hardly liked ye.
Seriously. Get out of here. It’s over, and we’re hoping for
a more fruitful year at the movies than the last.
Okay, so that is a little harsh. Still, 2013 was a year of
grave disappointment, general boredom, and towards the end, some solid-to-excellent
films. Since I hardly saw ten films worth writing home about, as The Grand in
Lafayette didn’t show much in the way of higher brow films, I’m left with no
option but to give an award to everything I saw in 2013. Yes, everything,
because they all deserve at least a little bit of recognition. What follows is
a largely train-of-thought commentary of 2013 at the movies. Enjoy.
So, let the games commence!
Star Trek Into Darkness -- Worst Use of the Star Trek
Franchise
From Tribbles to Wrath of Khan quotes, this cinematic meh
storm featured mountains of CGI renderings, one or two good performances, a
mountain of poorly shoehorned in efforts to develop characters, and a string of
action sequences that stopped being fun, intense, and interesting just in time
for the first hour and a half to peter out. Seriously, I can’t believe the rate
in which this movie ran out of steam. It wasn’t too bad, and even had a few
moments of genuine excitement and world building before it crashed and burned
on its desire to force the characters to take back seat to increasingly over
the top action bits. I’d even let slide the fact that Abrams Trek has abandoned
the tone and commentary of the classic TV show, but this movie just isn’t that
great.
Man of Steel – The Imitation Christopher Nolan Award for
Worst Film I saw in 2013
I’m trying to look for a way to keep this short…hmm…I think soulless
and tedious would take care of it. Between another way-to-long series of action
scenes, and having not the first quality scene of character development in the
entire run time, Man of Steel is about as far as you could get from having a
good movie, in any regard while still telling a cohesive, dramatic story. I
could go on, but I’ll just save my breath and point you to Superman: Earth One,
which tells a similar version of what Satan’s Filmmaker, Zack Snyder, has
delivered with Man of Steel. However, what you will find in Earth One is a likeable
cast of characters, great art, a believable conflict, and most importantly, an
actual emotional attachment to what is happening in the story.
World War Z -- Largest Collection of Set Pieces
Some of the people reading this are decrying my taste in
films because I have ranted and raved about CGI at the movies. Well, I think
that practical effects are better. And that’s okay, because sometimes, I can
get a good laugh out of how ridiculous something is when I’m watching it, as I
did with World War Z, a film where Brad Pitt gets rushed by zombies in an increasingly
elaborate collection of giant setpieces. The story is flaccid, the performances
merely average, but my God, how can you not have fun watching zombies rushing a
stone wall to devour a city full of people?
Iron Man 3 -- Best Comic Book Movie
Once again, I will be drawing some fire towards my skull, as
most comic book fans hate this film purely because of how the Mandarin was
handled. Sure, whitewashing comic book villains is terrible, but I like what
was attempted with Iron Man 3. I tend to like my super hero flicks to have some
humanity to them. And, let’s face it, Robert Downey Jr. is just fun to watch
playing himself in a metal costume. I’ll also admit that this film gets bonus
points on the ground that you get to see where I graduated high school in the
second act.
Pacific Rim -- Best Adaptation
Some of you might be scratching your head, and wondering
what I am talking about. Well, this is where you should go out and watch the
anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion, and then watch Pacific Rim again. See all
of the parallels? Giant monsters coming from the ocean to battle people
mentally linked to giant mechs? Yeah, that’s almost where it ends, but it’s
enough for me to call it an adaptation. And what a fun flick, right? It’s the
best giant monster flick this world has had in years, and it looks great to
boot.
The Wolverine -- Best Almost Great Movie
The Wolverine had a great deal of promise in its script. An
immortal man becomes mortal, and has to adapt. Well, that’d be good and fine if
the third act hadn’t happened, and it was a more down-to-earth film as a
result. I even like the action bits that lead up to that part of the film.
However, when it comes down to it, the human story gets dumbed to death in the
last twenty minutes, and what could have been the first legitimately good X-Men
film to feature Wolverine becomes a merely average flick that deserved better.
White House Down -- Best Dumb Action Movie
There are good action movies, with well written villains and
heroes that you can stand behind. Then there are films like White House Down,
which are dumb, one dimensional, and so pumped full of ‘Merica that you’ll be
vomiting red white and blue popcorn when you leave the cinema. However, White House
Down was an absolute blast loaded with stupidly unrealistic setpieces that you
can’t help but enjoy. I was told later that it has almost the same plot as
Olympus Has Fallen. I haven’t seen Straight Faced White House Down, but it
already has a better cast because it lacks the mediocre Channing Tatum in the
lead.
A Good Day to Die Hard -- Worst Use of Bruce Willis
I can’t say enough how much this movie angers me. I love the
Die Hard films. Yes, even the fourth one. Something about them just works for
me, and even though they aren’t great movies in the historical sense, they are
a lot of fun, and John McClane is a character that is easy to get behind. It’s
just a shame that Bruce Willis phoned his performance into a poorly shot,
horribly edited, mess of a film. If there is a Die Hard six, I hope that they
give the script another look, and get a better director, because this movie
sucked.
Jurassic Park 3D -- Best Movie I'd Seen Before
I’m cheating. Jurassic Park went back into the theaters with
a 3D conversion that only looked okay, and I loved every second of this classic
flick. I don’t have to sit here and tell you why Jurassic Park is one of the
best movies of the nineties. You’ve seen it. You know. If you haven’t seen it,
then you are missing out on two hours of fun from a time where dinosaurs were
as prevalent as zombies are now. And dinosaurs are so much better than zombies.
This is the End -- Biggest Surprise
My fiancé and I were just dying to go to the theater. We
didn’t care about anything that was playing this week, and we were waiting for
something that was coming out the next week. Still, this movie called This Is
the End was scoring high with the critics, so we just went. I can’t say enough
how thankful that I am to see this brilliant comedy from Seth Rogen, who I was
once so tired of that I wanted his career to end. I knew that I was going to
enjoy this flick as someone asked Rogen, who played himself in the film, why he
always played the same character in all of his movies. Yes. It’s that kind of
comedy. See it.
The Conjuring – Strongest Theatrical Urine Smell
Most horror films have little effect on me. In fact, I can
only think of one movie that really creeps me out, and that’s The Haunting. Not
the Catherine Zeta Jones one. That one is scary for different reasons. The
Conjuring summons classic 70’s haunted house scares and a quieter approach
where other contemporary horror films would throw things in your face. It’s one
of my favorite films from last year, and worth every cent that my ticket cost
to see it.
RED 2 -- Best Use of Bruce Willis
While lacking the same touch that made Red so entertaining,
RED 2 is still a decent action film about old spies fighting a modern threat.
The script seemed a bit too all over the place to keep it moving steadily, but
the acting was still top-notch, and set pieces were still a lot of fun to
watch. Not as good as the first, still, because John Malkovich didn’t pull a
gun out of a stuffed pig and proceed to shoot a rocket propelled grenade in
mid-flight.
Elysium -- Biggest Disappointment
I thought that District 9 was among some of the better
sci-fi in recent years. It’s well thought out script and tight performances
lent to a socially conscious story which was too on the nose for its own good
and made for a good time at the movies. However, Elysium is too on the nose,
has the same average –to-mediocre cinematography, and one of the worst finales
I’ve seen from a film of this kind. I’ll let you watch to judge for yourself,
but nothing about Elysium struck me the same way that District 9 did. It could
have been better with more work on the script, and a tripod for the camera.
The World's End -- Best Movie I'd Anticipated for Years
Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg’s Three Flavors Cornetto Trilogy
has been in my favorite comedy and action films since I first saw Shaun of the
Dead. The trilogy is capped off in surprising ways, with some of the best
performances from the lot of the films. Sure, Hot Fuzz is a better written film
in almost every regard, but Simon Pegg surprised me with his performance,
seeing as I’m used to him always playing a likeable lead. It’s a sight to
behold for sure.
Riddick -- Best CGI Animal Sidekick
There isn’t much to say about Riddick that wasn’t said about
Pitch Black. That’s because they are almost the same movie. However, what the
writers thought was missing from Pitch Black was a friendly CGI monster that
Riddick raises from the first act forward. The wordless bits of Riddick were
among my favorites, because there wasn’t any generic tough guy bravado, or
Katie Sackhoff being Katie Sackhoff in there. It was just two characters
interacting, and we didn’t need the voice over to tell us what was going on…even
if it was still there.
Prisoners -- Best Movie with an Awful Trailer
In the lead up to Prisoners hitting the big screen, I was
certain that I didn’t need to see the film, and that the trailer said
everything. It was a horrible trailer. I can’t think of many other trailers
that were that bland and boring, and completely throwing the film out of my To
See list. Then the reviews hit, and curiosity struck. We went to see it, and
found a decent thriller instead of the blandest thriller ever written.
Gravity -- The "Get Sandra Bullock an Academy
Award" Award for BEST MOVIE OF 2013
I knew that I was in for quite the experience with Gravity,
as Children of Men was a fantastic beast in its own right. I gave Alfonso
Cuaron another ninety minutes of my life expecting an exciting film, and I got
exactly that. However, any concern that I had that Sandra Bullock was going to
kill the film for me was wiped away, and I walked out of the theater having
more respect for her as an actor than I knew was possible. Her performance in
this film far outweighs most of the work I’ve seen on the silver screen this year,
and while that isn’t saying a lot, she had a long road to walk to get to where
I hold her performance now. If you haven’t seen Gravity, get to the theater
while it is still playing.
Escape Plan -- The "Better Than it Should Have
Been" Award for Best GeriAction Film of 2013
For my money, action movies died when The Bourne Identity
came out, and everyone started attaching their cameras to three wheeled
shopping carts driven by infants. With Red, its sequels, and a growing pile of
Expendables films pouring out of the woodworks, it’s nice to see the genre
seeing something of a renaissance. This probably has to do with the fact that
these films are being shot like they would have been in the eighties; full
contact action, and this little thing called a master shot. Also, I can’t help but
note that they bring out actors whose most famous work is from thirty years
ago. Two heroes of the eighties are escaping from prison and firing off one-liners
that you’ll repeat for days after if you have a soul at all. It’s a great deal
of fun, even if it isn’t that smart. Or maybe I’m just a sucker for anything
resembling a good heist flick.
Ender's Game -- The Honesty Award for Morose Tone in a Genre
Film
When I finished reading Ender’s Game in the year prior to
the movie’s release, I was almost certain that they’d be forced to tone down
the ending. Given the dire nature of that little plot twist, I figured that the
studio would find it to be too dark, and dial it back so that teens and kids
wouldn’t be scarred for life of whatever excuse they’d break out to attack this
film with. However, it’s intact, and better for it. Asa Butterfield nails his
delivery, Harrison Ford is adequately grumpy, and Ben Kingsley is a tiny bit
underutilized, I think. Gavin Hood even gains some good cinematic karma after
making the atrocious X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
Thor: The Dark World -- Most Drastic Improvement in a Sequel
I liked Thor. It was a decent superhero movie. However, it
lacked a sense of direction, because it was trying to be two different movies.
Well, the balance attempted in Thor was struck in The Dark World, a fun,
exciting bit of Marvel comic book action that sees the return of the Thor and
Loki in a war that stretches between the real world and Asgard. I still think
that Natalie Portman’s character needs to be tuned up a bit. She’s too talented
of an actress to just play the damsel in distress.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire -- Greatest Shaky Cam Reduction in a Sequel
The Hunger Games was a contender for best improvement in a
sequel, but instead, it wins the award for putting the camera on a tripod.
While the previous film was decent, and well deserving of attention just for
giving teenage girls a better role model to look up to than that monster who
dated vampires and werewolves in Twilight, Catching Fire makes legitimate
statements about cult of personality, manipulation of the public via media,
amongst a few others, and is actually among my favorite films of 2013. Or it
just may be that I think that Jennifer Lawrence is probably the best up and
coming actress in a decade.
The Book Thief -- Prettiest Depiction of Absolute Horror
This film set in World War II Germany doesn’t know what kind
of movie it wants to be, but it does have a great eye from which to view its
tale. While the idea of Death screwing with the emotions of a Russian girl
living in a German village isn’t entirely terrible, the idea of trying to make
this movie lighthearted in between devastating scenes of brutality, or, you
know, that whole Nazi Germany thing, just comes across strangely, and doesn’t
do the film any favors. The performances are only average, and the script is
merely okay. It’s not a bad movie by any means, but it’s not something I ever
need to see again.
Out of the Furnace -- Weakest Woody Harrelson Performance in
a 2013 Film
While Woody Harrelson excels as playing himself in Catching
Fire, Out of the Furnace has him being himself as a backwoods hustler, and he’s
never really given any chance to stand out amongst stellar performances from
both Christian Bale and Zoe Saldana. Out of the Furnace delivers an exceptional
tale of redemption, and does so amidst attractive cinematography, and pretty
solid score. Still, I would have liked more from Woody Harrelson.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug -- Best Sequel with a Largely Unnecessary Character
The Hobbit: The Journey Bezzzzzzzzzzzz was a largely boring
affair. I felt like the hour long scene of cartoonish dwarves eating dinner and
jacking up a hobbit hovel was time wasted. Given the fact that the book is only
around three hundred pages, stretching into three movies never seemed like an
attractive idea. Thankfully, The Desolation of Smaug revives the flavor of The
Lord of the Rings, and does so with great splendor. It’s got the brilliant set
piece action parts, character drama, great foes and dark pasts. It’s everything
that the first film should have been, but wasn’t. However, why did we need
Orlando Bloom to come back and look like he needed to drop a loaf in every
shot? Yes, I used a poop joke, haha. Seriously, why did he look so anal retentive
in every scene where something he didn’t like happened? It doesn’t lend to his
character becoming light hearted and the like in The Lord of the Rings.
Otherwise, it’s a great flick. I didn’t even hate Cumberbatch in this!
American Hustle -- Best Combover
When your movie starts with that hazy yellow visual tone of
an early seventies film and a guy starts piecing together a ridiculous hairdo
over male pattern baldness, you know you are in for a very special film. It’s
an odd choice, and it lends itself to the very fluid, spineless narrative,
which just happens to tell a fascinating story that almost completely falls
into the background behind brilliant performances, and memorable characters. It’s
a great ride from top to bottom. Christian Bale turns in another great
performance, and, once again, Jennifer Lawrence shows why everyone loves her.
We’re still calling our microwave a science oven…
Special:
Django Unchained -- Best Movie of 2012 that I saw
theatrically in 2013
Django Unchained was the first film I saw in 2013 because
travelling home for the holidays in 2012 made it difficult to get out to the
theater at the end of that year. Still, I love this movie. It’s among my
favorite work from Tarantino, and I can now forgive Jamie Foxx for putting me
to sleep with Ray. Instantly quotable, and a hell of a lot of fun, Django has
gone through two more bouts with white people since the film came out on
blu-ray, and I’m sure those won’t be the last.
And so ends 2013, a year that I spent more time at the theater than in any year previous. I hope that you enjoyed the awards. I still have some 2013 movies that I need to see, so don't spit on my grave over the fact that I didn't have an award for Her, because I haven't gotten a chance to see that yet.
Oh, you wanted something a bit more traditional?
...
Well, that's no fun.
...
Best:
5. Pacific Rim
4. American Hustle
3. The Conjuring
2. Enders Game
1. Gravity
Worst.
5. Star Trek Into Darkness
4. The Book Thief
3. Elysium
2. A Good Day to Die Hard
1. Man of Steel
See you in 2014.
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